A newly published study concluded that the undoubtedly rigged shuffler in Magic Arena is not only the rationale for every single one of your losses but is also the only reasonable explanation for your limp dick, said sources blaming everyone else for their problems.
“I already felt bad for mysel— I mean, my, uh friend who kept losing all his matches in Magic: The Gathering Arena due to the shuffler hating him specifically,” said Albert Balger, 24. “We all know it’s the reason why my, I mean, his opponent has a land drop on every turn. It’s why the opponent always seems to have an answer to every play. If the shuffler ruining every game of Magic Arena wasn’t bad enough, I learned something shocking when stocking up on Mountain Dew around 2:00 AM at the corner gas station: the Magic Arena shuffler is responsible for my, I mean HIS, recently wilted willy.”
Reporters requested proof of this alleged connection between two seemingly unrelated topics.
“Magic Arena Shuffler? I don’t know what that is,” said Shell gas station attended Al Rabett. “What I said to Balger was that staying up until four o’clock in the morning drinking sugar and playing video games isn’t good for him. He asked if one of my gas station’s dick pills would help, so I told him yes, mistakenly believing my highly sarcastic tone would be understood. Apparently, he took my answer at face value and somehow drew a correlation over something troubling him in his video game. Whatever this game is—about magicians or something—it has warped the poor young man’s mind to the point where he’s blaming it for his scant sausage.”
Wizards of the Coast responded to the allegations, citing they are in direct conflict against the company’s values at a fundamental level.
“This allegation is downright false and honestly, a little insulting,” said WotC PR Spokeswoman Molly Wollwood. “Everyone knows our main goal is to create an environment where our hopelessly addicted fans buy as much cardboard, digital or otherwise, as they can afford. Even more if we’re lucky. Just because people with children have a lot less money to spend on new cards doesn’t mean we’re purposefully whacking your mole. Rather, we’ve concluded that the loss of revenue from child-bearing players ends up as a net positive when those children reach 13+ and are indoctrinated by their parents. We’ve done the math on it. It’s unreasonable to suggest we’re preventing those little planeswalkers from standing at attention. Even so, if any players find themselves suffering from such an affliction we recommend viewing the recently unearthed Tentacle ‘Art’ film Ulamog produced during his college years.”
Though the all the evidence points to these being unrelated, results of the study also showed no players ever sprouted pulsing, redwood-sized erections when the shuffler failed to provide a second land by turn three. As such, the topic is still debated among players.