KIRKLAND, Wash. — The end will come for us all at one time or another. It’s not uncommon for people think about and prepare for the inevitable. In the case of Richard Garfield, creator of Magic: The Gathering, recent news changed his ongoing preparations for the big sleep. After the recent double-downgrade due to the mishandling of Magic: The Gathering, Garfield requested his casket be upgraded to a double-wide in anticipation of all the rolling over he’s going to be doing in his grave.
“After I began seeing that the so-called ‘spoiler season’ was nothing more than an endless stream of cardboard, I contemplated dying just so I could get a head start on all the rolling over I’m going to be needing to do. Then I saw the $1000 fake cards people were buying. I even tried reminding everyone how bad it was to treat Magic as a collectable before a game. The fact that Wizards of the Coast ignored me means I’m already way behind on how many times I need to roll over and I’m not even dead yet. Speaking of death, its no mere coincidence that a mere three days before the double-downgrade WotC was visited by the ghosts of Beanie Babies past, present, and future.”
Garfield and his family, while hesitant to talk about his eventual death, understand why it’s being brought up at the moment.
“People think it’s a little morbid for us to be talking about Richard’s eventual passing. We have to remember that he’s doing all this because he cares. He just wants to see everyone having fun playing cards together. He didn’t name it “The Gathering” in reference to piles of money, you know. He wants to make sure that vision comes true, even after he’s gone.”
Garfield’s family detailed the interesting plan.
“Yesterday Richard dropped off a box to Wizards of the Coast headquarters with strict instructions to open it on the day of his death. Inside the box is a device that should help steer the company in the right direction.
“The device is just an LCD screen linked to a FitBit we’re going to place on Richard’s wrist before he’s laid to rest. As Wizards of the Coast continues to act like a bunch of dumb-dumbs it’ll get ol’ Richard spinning down there which will in turn register on the device inside Wizard’s office. We’ve modified the FitBit so rather than steps it’s going to measure RPM or revolutions per minute. The FitBit is also powered by Richard’s own spinning so it should last quite some time.
“Hopefully the heads of WotC will see the meter redlining and adjust their plans accordingly. If not it’s programmed to start playing the song “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” by Limp Bizkit on repeat until Richard slows his spinning.”