A recently uncovered draft of Sephiroth’s Intervention, a Magic: The Gathering Final Fantasy VII crossover, has revealed the original flavor text was less about lore and more about lower intestinal health: “If you’re getting emotional, it’s time to schedule a colonoscopy, Cloud.”
The image of the unreleased card—posted to a highly toxic subreddit —has sparked both applause and gastrointestinal anxiety across forums.
“This was supposed to be a hype card,” said local fan Greg Meadows, 38, frantically browsing webMD. “The art was a flashback to the kick in the gut we all felt during our first playthrough of Final Fantasy VII . It turns out the kick in the gut feeling might be an indication of early onset colon cancer, usually treatable if detected early.”
The card was part of a marketing concept where classic Final Fantasy moments were rendered as dramatic spells, complete with grim, sweeping art and devastating mechanics. All made possible by a large donation from the pharmaceutical industry.
“At first, I thought it was a meme,” said Jenna Rowe, a 34-year-old nurse and avid MTG player. “But then I realized: it’s kind of genius. By associating Sephiroth with colon cancer, it inspires players to take the role of Cloud so they can stop at nothing to destroy it. I pointed this out the other night at commander and someone actually scheduled a doctor’s appointment mid-match. Scooped turn 4 citing they’ve been having to board wipe a lot more lately.”
Despite the text never seeing official release, screenshots of the original design have begun circulating on social media, accompanied by colon health hashtags alongside the frequent posting of the card Explorer’s Scope.
As Sephiroth himself might say: “Tell me what you cherish most… and if it’s your ass you should get it checked out.”