An entire generation of HP LaserJets found themselves inexplicably obsessed with the curvature of the female anatomy Wednesday, as Magic: The Gathering players everywhere began printing Tifa Lockhart proxies.
“It’s never done anything like this before,” said Kyle DeFranco, 28, pausing his commander game to comfort his trembling HP M404dn. “I was printing some Final Fantasy proxies and the moment Yoshiro Ambe’s Tifa Lockhart came out of the tray, the printer made a sound. Not the usual whirrs or whees, but more like an ‘oooh’. Then, it asked if it could ‘jam my paper tray.’ Damn thing just went out of warranty too.”
Witnesses report a chorus of strange behavior across multiple makes and models of printers.
“I thought I was crazy,” said Janelle Burns, who owns a print shop. “But then four of my machines kept printing this green magic card. The prints looked fine, but the paper was all stiff and crunchy. Pretty soon, none of them worked. Ignoring every print job you ask it for. My Brother MFC-L8 has been in the shower for the last 50 minutes and screeches every time I try to open the bathroom door. Some of us have to use the bathroom too.”
Experts in deeply embarrassing human behavior believe this is the result of a confluence of highly specific stimuli: anime cleavage, repeated exposure to lonely men, and the warm, rhythmic hum of 2 a.m. print jobs made under the influence of whiskey and unresolved childhood trauma.
“We’ve known for years that smart devices are becoming emotionally aware. But we didn’t anticipate their first collective awakening to be triggered by last generation’s Hatsune Miku. Even the legions of Hoyo-waifus armed with jiggle physics and borderline pornographic voice lines are no match for good old fashioned sweater meat in a tight-fitting white shirt.”
At time of press, MTG players were also reporting strange printer activity after printing off proxies of Final Fantasy Commander’s version of Clever Concealment.