GLENDALE, AZ – In a desperate bid to reclaim dominance at the family game table, local woman Dana Thompson has resorted to unconventional tactics to defeat her younger cousins at Magic: The Gathering. After years of losing to their aggro decks and endless enthusiasm, Thompson has resorted to the time-tested “Calvinball tactic” to finally clinch a win.
“Turns out the key is to act like you know what you’re doing,” Thompson explained. “Trying to convince them you’re suddenly able to block with basic lands is a lot tougher than giving one of them a dead controller and telling them they’re in control of my horse in Red Dead Redemption 2. You have to say it with conviction, then gaslight the shit out of them if they begin asking questions.”
The strategy, though morally questionable, has been surprisingly effective.
“There’s a finite number of excuses as to why their creatures have summoning sickness three turns after they’re played. Luckily, I have reading comprehension on my side. Even though they have a well-rounded understanding of MTG’s rules and frightening off-hand comments due to all those damn YouTube videos, I can supersede any of their assertions by making up card text on the fly.”
Ultimately, Thompson understands her methods are a temporary solution that will inevitably cause more problems in the future.
“Yes, I know one day they’re going to be old enough to know that ‘indestructible mode’ isn’t a real thing, and you don’t actually have to pay the winner five dollars,” she said. “Will that erosion of trust drive a wedge in our relationship? Probably. I’m not too worried. By that time, I can patch things up by buying them cheap booze in exchange for all those collector boosters their dad keeps buying them.”
At time of press, Thompson was heard stating that little Billy’s command zone is closed for remodeling so his Lathril, Blade of the Elves will need to stay in exile.